San Diego Therapist Blog: Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD

"To live with courage is the highest form of practice...It is interesting that both love and courage are said to reside in the heart. When we live by consciously choosing courage, we express life's spirit. Today express your courage by choosing something difficult to say or do. It need only be a small thing, but it will open your heart." 

The italicized excerpt was taken from "A year of living your yoga: daily practices to shape your life", by Judith Hanson Lasater, Ph.D., P.T.

When our lives are not going well, we may be more in touch with fear than with courage. Many people enter my office hoping to eliminate fear and find courage. Fear and courage however, are not mutually exclusive. You can feel both. Many people imagine that if they could stop feeling afraid, they could be change their lives.

But in reality, we can feel afraid and still practice courage. We can choose to stand up in courage and act courageously.

In yoga this morning, we were attempting a new trick, and my teacher gently reminded the class, "remember, yoga is a practice, not a perfect". Although I was feeling afraid, I decided to act with courage and try the new pose. It was indeed, not perfect, but I noticed I smiled a bit as I transitioned to the next asana. If you decide to practice courage today, do it with a gentle and compassionate attitude.

"...Today express your courage by choosing something difficult to say or do. It need only be a small thing, but it will open your heart." 

I am no longer afraid of mirrors where I see the sign of the amazon, the one who shoots arrows. There was a fine red line across my chest where a knife entered, but now a branch winds about the scar and travels from arm to heart.
Green leaves cover the branch, grapes hang there and a bird appears. What grows in me now is vital and does not cause me harm. I think the bird is singing.
I have relinquished some of the scars.
I have designed my chest with the care given to an illuminated manuscript.  I am no longer ashamed to make love. Love is a battle I can win.  I have the body of a warrior who does not kill or wound.
On the book of my body, I have permanently inscribed a tree.

________________________________________________

These are the words of cancer survivor and poet Deena Metzger...If you haven't read any of her books, I highly recommend them.

Healing is unique. Metzger's path to healing was intense, fierce and some might say radical, but it was Metzger's unique path. No one else could have dreamed it.

Every human being who traverses serious illness or trauma is tasked with finding a way through the darkness. It's beyond chemotherapy. I am talking about listening/seeing/experiencing and respecting the truth inside. It has been and continues to be the best guide through healing and transformation. Learn to listen...

How do you listen? The first session of  "The Integrative Oncology Lounge" is Tuesday March 30th from 4 to 5pm. We will learn mindfulness meditation attitudes/benefits and practice listening/seeing/experiencing.

Location: The Pacific Oncology and Hematology Associates 477 North El Camino Real, Suite D200 Encinitas, CA 

Cost: Free to all oncology patients (you do not have to be a "pacific oncology and hematology" patient). The group is supported by a grant from the Wings of Care program

Questions/RSVP/Comments: Regina@Ritualsofhealing.com or 858.880.0145

....goes the Green Day song. This song is based on Billie Joe's (Green Day lead singer) experience of living through seemingly interminable grief after his father's death. He longs for the pain to end. The grief hangs on him, his constant companion.

"Here comes the rain again...drenched in my pain again" are poignant lyrics describing the experience of grief. As time goes on, you seem to feel alright for a moment here and there, but suddenly you are "drenched" again in the heaviness of it all, and you're completely and totally helpless. Like a sudden thunderstorm, grief pours from the heavens. The feeling washes over you like a wave, and you simply cannot shake it, you ride it.  

Grief and loss bring us to our knees. Very few things in life can provide suffering like losing someone close to us can. Grief is not only related to literal death. It also appears with other great losses, for example: the ending of a relationship (divorce) or the loss of one's innocence, youth, or agility (aging).

Grief can become heavy. We wish someone could "wake" us when it ends. But we cannot jump over grief, any more than we can skip the month of September. We have to walk through it. And September can feel like a very, very long month.

However, likewise, grief is also responsible for awakening, enlivening and individuating our persons. Individuation is a term clinicians often use to describe the process of becoming who we are, which is exactly what Billie Joe says in his song, "Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are". In walking through grief, in being present to the whole experience of it, amazingly, bizarrely, you somehow are molded; somehow you expand from grief? Grief can actually heal you.

CLICK HERE for definition of "individuation" on wikipedia and read the Carl Jung explanation.

Sometimes we have to live through September. Surrender to September. The dawn will come. If this is where you are, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. Have faith and continue to be present through September. September will end; it always does, every year. 

Today, let's talk briefly about the Serenity Prayer...

God* grant us the serenity

to accept the things we cannot change,

The courage to change the things we can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us are familiar with this prayer and have probably heard it or said it several times. The prayer is short, sweet and empowering.

But what does "Serenity" really mean?

Serenity is a state of mind. Serenity is the state or quality of being calm, or tranquil, having composure, calm, peacefulness, or peace. Serenity is having the presence of mind, or said another way, having the presence to your own mind, to your surroundings, and to your life.

The prayer is essentially saying, God grant me the "presence" of mind to see my circumstances, my mind, and my life clearly today. God grant me this presence, so that I may see the truth, and make choices from this clear and present state.

The prayer also asks for acceptance. Accepting one's current position or set of circumstances can be one of the most difficult things we must learn do. It is VERY HARD sometimes to accept exactly where you are at this moment. We often want to manipulate it, eat something, drink something or somehow change it. We want to jump over ourselves and get to where we are going. But first, we must accept. We must start from where we are. ONLY then can we begin to move with compassion and grace into changing or moving from this current position.

God* grant me presence to whatever my life holds for me in this moment. Allow me to be fully alive to my life, fully here for all of it. I wish you full, gentle, and complete presence in your life today.

 *Note to reader, please substitute whatever word for God which is meaningful for you.

"To express unafraid and unashamed what one really thinks and feels is one of the great consolations in life"

~ Theodore Reik (20th Century German Psychoanalyst)

"...be attentive to what is arising within you, and place that above everything else. . .What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love..."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Jamie Reno, Newsweek journalist and cancer survivor will be the special guest tonight at 9:00 p.m. EST (6:00p.m. for you left coasters) on The Stupid Cancer Show, an informative, funny, cutting-edge, hugely popular show hosted by Jamie's friends and fellow survivors Matthew Zachary and Kairol Rosenthal. They'll be discussing Jamie's forthcoming novel, “A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound,” the story of a 10-year-old boy coping with the cancer diagnosis of his mom, and about radio-immunotherapy, a remarkable lymphoma cancer treatment that saves lives but still risks extinction unless people demand their legislators to save it!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stupidcancershow/2009/07/14/Cancer-vs-Environment-Cage-Match

The Stupid Cancer Show
The Stupid Cancer Show is the voice of young adults affected by cancer. Unlike every other age group, this is about a generation of millions (aged 15-39) for whom there has been zero improvement in survival rates since Nixon. This is not OK! Hosted by young adult survivors Kairol Rosenthal (Author of "Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide To Cancer In Your 20's and 30's") and Matthew Zachary (Founder/CEO of the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation) we are challenging the status quo and demanding change from the establishment. It's time. It's our time. It's about time.

Praise for ‘A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound’

“A beautiful novel. Reno shows how powerful a simple game like baseball can be in helping a young boy cope. The true moral of this book though is beyond baseball and beyond cancer – it lies in the healing strength of familial love and the celebration of life.”
Larry Lucchino, President and CEO, Boston Red Sox, and two-time cancer survivor

“Finally, a book written for both parents and children about loss from a young boy’s perspective. Carefully and brilliantly written, it provides a guide for teachable moments that parents can use to help them relate to their children when faced with serious illness or loss. This fills an obvious void in the literary world.”
Leslie Hovsepian, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist

“Had me reaching for the tissues, but smiling, too, at the many moments of love so well depicted in this story of a boy coming to terms with loss. The author possesses a finely honed skill in giving readers the true voice of a 10-year-old boy learning to cope with death—and life.”
Phyllis DeBlanche, Associate Editor, San Diego Magazine

“I only wish my children could have read this when I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. Sensitive, thoughtful, humorous, poignant and most importantly, provides a much needed canvas on which families can explore the myriad emotions surrounding diagnosis and treatment of any serious illnesses. This book will be very helpful to kids and parents everywhere.”
Michael E. Werner, Director, Lymphoma Research Foundation, CEO, Globe Union Group

“It’s never easy to talk about cancer with children, but this book gracefully facilitates this difficult dialogue in such an inviting way. I love this book. It can strengthen a family's understanding and compassion through the emotional perils of cancer.”
Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD, PsychoSocialOncologist

“Captures your heart from the first words. Entertaining, funny and touching, it takes the reader inside a cancer patient’s family and shares both the heartbreak and hope many children feel.”
Linette Atwood, CEO, Patient Resource Cancer Guide

“As a young adult who as a child lost her mother to cancer, I have never read a book that is more insightful and helpful in dealing with the questions children face when a loved one is ill.”
Jessica Dallow, Pakula/King & Associates

The cancer experience includes many many elements. It's not just being afraid of dying and feeling physically sick, although those pieces are also present. There may also be relationship problems, daily living challenges, children to care for, emotional issues, treatment decisions, side-effects of treatment, insurance debacles and on and on. It feels like a big cyclone of chaos at times. The cancer experience is kind of like a really rough, whipping, bumping, and turning roller coaster ride, the kind you're praying will end soon. You just can't wait till the car pulls to a stop, the safety bar lifts and you can get the hell off of it!

Unfortunately you can't get off the ride, but you can find a way to be where you are at this moment in time. Can you find a way to ride the coaster?

Mindfulness meditation practice can help.

Don't take my word for it. In a randomized clinical trial, cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a decrease in depression, anxiety, anger, and confusion AND additionally they reported an increase in Vigor! The patients also reported fewer symptoms of stress and less emotional irritability. If you've ever been on chemotherapy and some of the steroids they give you along with it you know that emotional irritability can be a real challenge. Overall the cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a 65% decrease in mood disturbance & 31% reduction in symptoms of stress.

But don't take their word for it. Experience it for yourself...

1. Join this group: "Mindfulness Meditation: A Cancer Support Group". This group meets in Encinitas on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month. Click here for more information.

2. Go to my coping resources page: see books on Mindfulness Meditation and also cancer. A great starting place: "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

3. If you want to read more on the study discussed above:     Speca, M., Carlson, L.E., Goodey, E., and Angen, M. (2000). A randomized, wait-list controlled clinical trial: The effect of a mindfulness meditation-based stress reduction program on mood and symptoms of stress in cancer outpatients. Psychosomatic Medicine, 62, pp.613-622

Understanding our emotions, tolerating them, and expressing them appropriately is a skill. It's both a learned and a practiced skill. We first learn this skill during childhood. Just like we learn how to use the potty, self-soothe, ride a snowboard, and tie our shoes, we also learn how to be emotionally intelligent. Mom/Dad/Guardian teach us how to become conscious of our feelings, how to tolerate them, and express them appropriately.

When we experience an emotion, mom/dad/guardian help us to identify that feeling. "Oh you're crying right now because you're tired", or "You're feeling angry because you can't play with that toy right now". And then how to handle, be with or express that feeling. "I know you're sad, I'm staying with you, I'm here" or "I know you're tired, it's time to go to sleep" or "I know you're angry, it's alright to feel angry, but it's not alright to hit". Over time, the child then learns how to do this for him or herself, just like they learn to recognize the signs that they need to use the potty. The child learns how to identify their emotional state and then communicate it accordingly.

The foundation for emotional intelligence is consciousness. A parent/guardian has to become conscious of the child's experience and be able to identify it for him or her. Likewise, as a adults, we have to become conscious of our own emotional world. The first step is attuning to what we are actually experiencing inside.

You can LEARN and practice emotional consciousness now, regardless of whether or not you had great emotional training as a child. It's important to do so because pretty much Everything (social, familial and romantic relationships, physical health, ability to hold a job, academics/learning ability) is built upon the foundation of emotional intelligence.

As I said at the beginning emotional consciousness is both a learned and a practiced skill. To begin increasing your emotional consciousness check in with yourself a few times throughout your day and take your emotional temperature:

~At work especially after a particularly challenging phone call or meeting. Sit quietly at your desk and just ask out loud, just like a parent might help a child- what are you feeling right now? are you angry? are you sad? are you nervous? are you happy? 

~Become conscious and then just like a loving parent to a child- help yourself to express it appropriately. If you're tired, find a way to get yourself some rest. If you're angry, talk to yourself about it- listen like a loving parent- no judging, no changing it- just acceptance. Then decide, from this conscious place how you wish to handle your situation. 

~If you're not able to identify your emotional state, try identifying how your body feels. Are there any physical pains? What sensations are you having? Any tingling or numbness? Spend time becoming aware of and describing any sensations or lack of sensation to yourself. The body is a great doorway to our emotional states- becoming conscious of body sensations will ground you to where you are at this moment.

Ever get to that point when your mind just won't stop? During the holiday season the mind often has plenty of material to work with. Your mind worries: "The holidays are almost here and you still haven't gotten gifts for half the people on your list??! It's not like you didn't know the holidays were coming! It's the same time every year!!" Or maybe your mind is worrying because you don't have "enough" money for gifts. Or maybe it's worrying about how you will survive your family or lack of family and loved ones this year.

Whatever the thought or worry, whatever your situation may be this holiday season, not enough or too much, if you find yourself in full on "mind spin"----worrying, becoming depressed or anxious about your situation...try a few of these de-mind spin tips:

1. First of all accept that you are not alone. You can be absolutely sure that most people are worrying about something - maybe not the same thing that you are worrying about- but something this holiday season, just like you.

2. Second, take a minute and breathe. Ask yourself right now if you are alright, just right now in this very moment. Not tomorrow, or in the future or yesterday, but right now, are you ok? alive? breathing? This is an important question to ask because, often the pain of the holiday season comes to us because of our worries...and worries are most always about the future or the past. Worries about what the holidays have been like in the past, and are not now. Or what the holidays will be like this year- worries and anxieties usually exist in the present -----but are almost always about the future and or the past.

Another way to take yourself out of the worries or "mind spin" is by changing your focus. #3 and #4 are hands on mind tools:

3. Mindfully take three deep breaths. Take three slow deep breaths and pay attention only to your breath for just 3 full breaths---following the sensation of the breath the entire time.

4. Another option: Go outside or look out a window and focus fully on every detail of the object you are looking at. If it's a tree, what color is it? What about the leaves? Describe the tree bark. How tall is the tree, can you see the roots, how is it sitting in the ground etc.? Focus your mind fully on describing the object. Spend a few minutes on this.