San Diego Therapist Blog: Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD

Rebirth:  chronicles a woman's experience with Leukemia....through chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, heartbreak, loss, and also spiritual, emotional and physical rebirth.

"Rebirth" is Ludwig's year-long journal chronicling a story of love, sacrifice, heartache and discovery that culminated in her physical, emotional and spiritual rebirth. 

Cancer is such a dislocating experience. We feel alone, alienated and lost. Any sense of security is just gone. A personal story like Deborah's can really help us through our own experience. It can lessen our sense of anomie and isolation.

A portion of Rebirth's royalties will be donated to Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

If you've recently been diagnosed, get a personal experience book like Ludwig's. You can also go to my coping resources page. I have other personal experience books listed here

Whatever you may be feeling internally is simply passing through at this moment. 

Breathe in and breathe out.

Your feeling state does not make you personally right, wrong, weak, strong, good or bad. Feeling states and thoughts float through us all day long. We are in a constant state of change. Nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever. Thoughts, feelings, and even our basic biology is constantly in a state of change. Cells are changing every single minute. Some say we get cancer many times a day through flub-ups in cell DNA replication, but this does not always become a diagnosis of "cancer" per say, because we are constantly in a state of repair, replication and change. And the same is true for thought and feelings. They come and they go. Nothing is permanent. They float in and they float out.

It is only when something stops the stream, the flow, that things get out of whack. With thoughts, when we identify with the content of a thought, we get into trouble. For example, pretend the thought: "I can't do this" floats by. If I notice this thought for what it is: just a thought, then I can release it and the thought is free to continue floating by, and another thought will float through and so on and so on. However, if I get "hooked" or identify with the thought content by saying, "yes!, that is me, I can't do this... and...actually... in the past I could not do those other things...", then the spiral begins. The mind has gotten stuck in this content, hooked into the thought and a spiral has begun. This is one way depression or despair begins (which is anger turned inward)....through faulty thought identification.

To stop this spiral from happening you can pull out the hook. You can practice releasing thoughts. They are not really yours anyway. They are simply thoughts and feeling states. They come and they go. Getting hooked means identifying with or conversely fighting a thought or feeling (trying to push it down, deny it, or anesthetize). Either way, through identification or avoidance, you have engaged the thought/feeling state. It will usually stick around until you cut bait or gently release it. Try the fisherman's practice of Catch and Release.

Also note, there is usually a quality of rigidity and self-judgment to this downward spiraling. Add compassion and flexibility, to catch and release and see what happens.

A word on compassion from Pema Chodron:

Resource: Get out of your mind and into your life by Steven Hayes, PhD.  

Today, let's talk briefly about the Serenity Prayer...

God* grant us the serenity

to accept the things we cannot change,

The courage to change the things we can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us are familiar with this prayer and have probably heard it or said it several times. The prayer is short, sweet and empowering.

But what does "Serenity" really mean?

Serenity is a state of mind. Serenity is the state or quality of being calm, or tranquil, having composure, calm, peacefulness, or peace. Serenity is having the presence of mind, or said another way, having the presence to your own mind, to your surroundings, and to your life.

The prayer is essentially saying, God grant me the "presence" of mind to see my circumstances, my mind, and my life clearly today. God grant me this presence, so that I may see the truth, and make choices from this clear and present state.

The prayer also asks for acceptance. Accepting one's current position or set of circumstances can be one of the most difficult things we must learn do. It is VERY HARD sometimes to accept exactly where you are at this moment. We often want to manipulate it, eat something, drink something or somehow change it. We want to jump over ourselves and get to where we are going. But first, we must accept. We must start from where we are. ONLY then can we begin to move with compassion and grace into changing or moving from this current position.

God* grant me presence to whatever my life holds for me in this moment. Allow me to be fully alive to my life, fully here for all of it. I wish you full, gentle, and complete presence in your life today.

 *Note to reader, please substitute whatever word for God which is meaningful for you.

"To express unafraid and unashamed what one really thinks and feels is one of the great consolations in life"

~ Theodore Reik (20th Century German Psychoanalyst)

"...be attentive to what is arising within you, and place that above everything else. . .What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love..."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Have you ever felt as though the floor had been ripped out from underneath you?

In a crisis, nothing feels safe. Maybe you've lost your home, a loved one has died, or you're facing the worst depression of your life. The things which once seemed so important now seem irrelevant and false. People seem far away at times, like you're walking parallel to everyone around you, but you're in an alternate space.

IF this is indeed where you are...

Welcome

I say welcome not to be flip, but to offer a warm reassurance, because most everyone experiences some kind of "parallel" walk at one time or another. In life, we all get to be the blue duck at some point.

However, when you're in it...you're in it. It feels really lonely and scary. And often when you're in these places of despair, you honestly feel that no human being could possibly conceive of your pain. But the honest truth is that everyone, sooner or later experiences that uncomfortable place of not knowing how to make things better. 

However painful, despair, burning despair, fear and crisis can sometimes lead us to make remarkable and meaningful life changes. 

But don't let me get ahead of myself, as I said above, while you are "in it" you are "in it". Compassion is the best elixir and self soothing is a much needed balm. Be patient and loving towards yourself. You will heal and you will be ready.

One noteworthy warning to the blue duck experience: one of the most disturbing thoughts one experiences while walking in the grips of despair is that they will never return to "normal". They fear that the experience will never end. It's usually not actually the horrible situation or pain, but the fear of never getting over it, never feeling "normal" or "good" again that drives people over the edge. This thought is enticing to the mind, but it is a fallacy. Try not to get trapped by this line of thinking. 

As I said above, most importantly, be gentle with yourself, give yourself patience and compassion. You will open...

Jamie Reno, Newsweek journalist and cancer survivor will be the special guest tonight at 9:00 p.m. EST (6:00p.m. for you left coasters) on The Stupid Cancer Show, an informative, funny, cutting-edge, hugely popular show hosted by Jamie's friends and fellow survivors Matthew Zachary and Kairol Rosenthal. They'll be discussing Jamie's forthcoming novel, “A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound,” the story of a 10-year-old boy coping with the cancer diagnosis of his mom, and about radio-immunotherapy, a remarkable lymphoma cancer treatment that saves lives but still risks extinction unless people demand their legislators to save it!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stupidcancershow/2009/07/14/Cancer-vs-Environment-Cage-Match

The Stupid Cancer Show
The Stupid Cancer Show is the voice of young adults affected by cancer. Unlike every other age group, this is about a generation of millions (aged 15-39) for whom there has been zero improvement in survival rates since Nixon. This is not OK! Hosted by young adult survivors Kairol Rosenthal (Author of "Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide To Cancer In Your 20's and 30's") and Matthew Zachary (Founder/CEO of the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation) we are challenging the status quo and demanding change from the establishment. It's time. It's our time. It's about time.

Praise for ‘A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound’

“A beautiful novel. Reno shows how powerful a simple game like baseball can be in helping a young boy cope. The true moral of this book though is beyond baseball and beyond cancer – it lies in the healing strength of familial love and the celebration of life.”
Larry Lucchino, President and CEO, Boston Red Sox, and two-time cancer survivor

“Finally, a book written for both parents and children about loss from a young boy’s perspective. Carefully and brilliantly written, it provides a guide for teachable moments that parents can use to help them relate to their children when faced with serious illness or loss. This fills an obvious void in the literary world.”
Leslie Hovsepian, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist

“Had me reaching for the tissues, but smiling, too, at the many moments of love so well depicted in this story of a boy coming to terms with loss. The author possesses a finely honed skill in giving readers the true voice of a 10-year-old boy learning to cope with death—and life.”
Phyllis DeBlanche, Associate Editor, San Diego Magazine

“I only wish my children could have read this when I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. Sensitive, thoughtful, humorous, poignant and most importantly, provides a much needed canvas on which families can explore the myriad emotions surrounding diagnosis and treatment of any serious illnesses. This book will be very helpful to kids and parents everywhere.”
Michael E. Werner, Director, Lymphoma Research Foundation, CEO, Globe Union Group

“It’s never easy to talk about cancer with children, but this book gracefully facilitates this difficult dialogue in such an inviting way. I love this book. It can strengthen a family's understanding and compassion through the emotional perils of cancer.”
Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD, PsychoSocialOncologist

“Captures your heart from the first words. Entertaining, funny and touching, it takes the reader inside a cancer patient’s family and shares both the heartbreak and hope many children feel.”
Linette Atwood, CEO, Patient Resource Cancer Guide

“As a young adult who as a child lost her mother to cancer, I have never read a book that is more insightful and helpful in dealing with the questions children face when a loved one is ill.”
Jessica Dallow, Pakula/King & Associates

What does my soul look like? Do I believe in God? Why are we here? Why are you here?

Are you asking the "big" questions. Are you wondering what "the point" of all of this is? At some point in life, most of us grapple with these sort of questions. There's certainly more to life than just making money and acquiring material goods- r-i-g-h-t? Or is that really it? What do you think? Is there a God? What do YOU think? If you're looking for a place to explore these questions try www.soulpancake.com. It was created by actor Rainn Wilson from the TV series "The Office". On his site, they contemplate these questions, and pose some you may not have even thought of yet. If you haven't figured out for yourself what YOU think...his site provides a sort of starter guide to "chewing" on these questions.

Find out what YOU think.

The cancer experience includes many many elements. It's not just being afraid of dying and feeling physically sick, although those pieces are also present. There may also be relationship problems, daily living challenges, children to care for, emotional issues, treatment decisions, side-effects of treatment, insurance debacles and on and on. It feels like a big cyclone of chaos at times. The cancer experience is kind of like a really rough, whipping, bumping, and turning roller coaster ride, the kind you're praying will end soon. You just can't wait till the car pulls to a stop, the safety bar lifts and you can get the hell off of it!

Unfortunately you can't get off the ride, but you can find a way to be where you are at this moment in time. Can you find a way to ride the coaster?

Mindfulness meditation practice can help.

Don't take my word for it. In a randomized clinical trial, cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a decrease in depression, anxiety, anger, and confusion AND additionally they reported an increase in Vigor! The patients also reported fewer symptoms of stress and less emotional irritability. If you've ever been on chemotherapy and some of the steroids they give you along with it you know that emotional irritability can be a real challenge. Overall the cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a 65% decrease in mood disturbance & 31% reduction in symptoms of stress.

But don't take their word for it. Experience it for yourself...

1. Join this group: "Mindfulness Meditation: A Cancer Support Group". This group meets in Encinitas on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month. Click here for more information.

2. Go to my coping resources page: see books on Mindfulness Meditation and also cancer. A great starting place: "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

3. If you want to read more on the study discussed above:     Speca, M., Carlson, L.E., Goodey, E., and Angen, M. (2000). A randomized, wait-list controlled clinical trial: The effect of a mindfulness meditation-based stress reduction program on mood and symptoms of stress in cancer outpatients. Psychosomatic Medicine, 62, pp.613-622

I had a professor in my graduate education who always said to us, “be prepared”. He said it so often in fact that I don’t know if I ever really heard him. However, I think now that it’s likely one of the very best pieces of advice I ever had the privilege of hearing.

"Being prepared" for life and it’s challenges is really a fairly simple thing, we just have to keep our instrument tuned up- our mind, body, and spirit. It is simple, but it not necessarily easy. Preparation takes practice, commitment and discipline. Sort of like clean teeth, if you want clean teeth, you brush and floss every day, not just right before your dentist appointment or whenever you have a toothache. Nope, you brush now, you prepare now, a little bit, every day.

Being prepared for life is the same thing. You never know when you’ll be hit with a crisis, a major decision or a serious conversation. But I'm certain that you will want to have  every bit of your brain power, wisdom and emotional equilibrium in check - accessible for use.

How can you “be prepared” for what life will serve up?  It takes daily attention, and it takes practice. When we routinely pay attention to ourselves, our patterns, our pitfalls and abilities, we are better suited to withstand the storms when they come rolling in. When we aren’t taking good care of our mental and emotional health, the storms crash down much harder, much, much harder, because we aren’t prepared.

A few tips to tune up your emotional and mental instrument:

1. Exercise, a recent study out of Duke University cited as regular exercise as more effective at alleviating depression than some antidepressant medications.

2. Journal, begin to record your thoughts and emotions, your daily life, you will begin to see patterns and get to know how you’re moving through the world- essentially become more conscious of relationship patterns, mistakes  or coping mechanisms that you regularly use (the good and the ugly). Plus it’s also a great way to purge what is rumbling around in your mind.

3. Take inventory of your day. What were you most grateful for today? What would you like to have handled differently?  You can also begin to record these things in your journal. It's also a great practice to share with a loved one.

4. Take a time out each day either in the morning or at lunch, or even in the heat of an argument and breathe. Especially elongate the outbreath. This alleviates a bit of the amygala activation in the brain and will help you think a bit more clearly. 

5.Try this mindfulness meditation exercise: After accumulating a few dishes, fill your sink with very warm soapy water, and begin to wash your dishes- only this time- pay extremely close attention to cleaning each dish - clean them like you've never cleaned them before- with your full attention. If you find yourself thinking about other things, simply bring your attention back to what you're doing. Take notice of how the water feels, how the dish feels in your hand, and take care to place each one delicately into the rack. This can be very pleasurable and relaxing- believe it or not- and it's a great way to re-tune yourself!

Keep your instrument tuned and you will likely play beautiful music. Rock on!