San Diego Therapist Blog: Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD

I am no longer afraid of mirrors where I see the sign of the amazon, the one who shoots arrows. There was a fine red line across my chest where a knife entered, but now a branch winds about the scar and travels from arm to heart.
Green leaves cover the branch, grapes hang there and a bird appears. What grows in me now is vital and does not cause me harm. I think the bird is singing.
I have relinquished some of the scars.
I have designed my chest with the care given to an illuminated manuscript.  I am no longer ashamed to make love. Love is a battle I can win.  I have the body of a warrior who does not kill or wound.
On the book of my body, I have permanently inscribed a tree.

________________________________________________

These are the words of cancer survivor and poet Deena Metzger...If you haven't read any of her books, I highly recommend them.

Healing is unique. Metzger's path to healing was intense, fierce and some might say radical, but it was Metzger's unique path. No one else could have dreamed it.

Every human being who traverses serious illness or trauma is tasked with finding a way through the darkness. It's beyond chemotherapy. I am talking about listening/seeing/experiencing and respecting the truth inside. It has been and continues to be the best guide through healing and transformation. Learn to listen...

How do you listen? The first session of  "The Integrative Oncology Lounge" is Tuesday March 30th from 4 to 5pm. We will learn mindfulness meditation attitudes/benefits and practice listening/seeing/experiencing.

Location: The Pacific Oncology and Hematology Associates 477 North El Camino Real, Suite D200 Encinitas, CA 

Cost: Free to all oncology patients (you do not have to be a "pacific oncology and hematology" patient). The group is supported by a grant from the Wings of Care program

Questions/RSVP/Comments: Regina@Ritualsofhealing.com or 858.880.0145

Many years ago, Integrative Medicine may have seemed "alternative". Today, it has gained acceptance in mainstream medicine because it works.

Integrative Oncology is a branch of integrative medicine (if you're into Andrew Weil his first book in the integrative medicine series is about Integrative Oncology). Integrative Oncology is a philosophy of healing which "focuses on the complex health of people with cancer and proposes an array of approaches to accompany the conventional therapies of surgery, chemotherapy, molecular therapeutics and radiotherapy to facilitate health".

On Tuesday March 23rd, Oncologist Dr. Steve Eisenberg and I will be discussing Integrative Oncology, engaging in treatment, healing, and your life. Expect to learn about Integrative Oncology and experience the benefits of mindfulness meditation. The talk is open to patients, family and loved ones.

This discussion will be held at Pacific Oncology and Hematology Associates in Encinitas. Tuesday March 23rd, 2010 3:30pm-4:30pm.

Rebirth:  chronicles a woman's experience with Leukemia....through chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, heartbreak, loss, and also spiritual, emotional and physical rebirth.

"Rebirth" is Ludwig's year-long journal chronicling a story of love, sacrifice, heartache and discovery that culminated in her physical, emotional and spiritual rebirth. 

Cancer is such a dislocating experience. We feel alone, alienated and lost. Any sense of security is just gone. A personal story like Deborah's can really help us through our own experience. It can lessen our sense of anomie and isolation.

A portion of Rebirth's royalties will be donated to Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

If you've recently been diagnosed, get a personal experience book like Ludwig's. You can also go to my coping resources page. I have other personal experience books listed here

Jamie Reno, Newsweek journalist and cancer survivor will be the special guest tonight at 9:00 p.m. EST (6:00p.m. for you left coasters) on The Stupid Cancer Show, an informative, funny, cutting-edge, hugely popular show hosted by Jamie's friends and fellow survivors Matthew Zachary and Kairol Rosenthal. They'll be discussing Jamie's forthcoming novel, “A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound,” the story of a 10-year-old boy coping with the cancer diagnosis of his mom, and about radio-immunotherapy, a remarkable lymphoma cancer treatment that saves lives but still risks extinction unless people demand their legislators to save it!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stupidcancershow/2009/07/14/Cancer-vs-Environment-Cage-Match

The Stupid Cancer Show
The Stupid Cancer Show is the voice of young adults affected by cancer. Unlike every other age group, this is about a generation of millions (aged 15-39) for whom there has been zero improvement in survival rates since Nixon. This is not OK! Hosted by young adult survivors Kairol Rosenthal (Author of "Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide To Cancer In Your 20's and 30's") and Matthew Zachary (Founder/CEO of the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation) we are challenging the status quo and demanding change from the establishment. It's time. It's our time. It's about time.

Praise for ‘A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound’

“A beautiful novel. Reno shows how powerful a simple game like baseball can be in helping a young boy cope. The true moral of this book though is beyond baseball and beyond cancer – it lies in the healing strength of familial love and the celebration of life.”
Larry Lucchino, President and CEO, Boston Red Sox, and two-time cancer survivor

“Finally, a book written for both parents and children about loss from a young boy’s perspective. Carefully and brilliantly written, it provides a guide for teachable moments that parents can use to help them relate to their children when faced with serious illness or loss. This fills an obvious void in the literary world.”
Leslie Hovsepian, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist

“Had me reaching for the tissues, but smiling, too, at the many moments of love so well depicted in this story of a boy coming to terms with loss. The author possesses a finely honed skill in giving readers the true voice of a 10-year-old boy learning to cope with death—and life.”
Phyllis DeBlanche, Associate Editor, San Diego Magazine

“I only wish my children could have read this when I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. Sensitive, thoughtful, humorous, poignant and most importantly, provides a much needed canvas on which families can explore the myriad emotions surrounding diagnosis and treatment of any serious illnesses. This book will be very helpful to kids and parents everywhere.”
Michael E. Werner, Director, Lymphoma Research Foundation, CEO, Globe Union Group

“It’s never easy to talk about cancer with children, but this book gracefully facilitates this difficult dialogue in such an inviting way. I love this book. It can strengthen a family's understanding and compassion through the emotional perils of cancer.”
Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD, PsychoSocialOncologist

“Captures your heart from the first words. Entertaining, funny and touching, it takes the reader inside a cancer patient’s family and shares both the heartbreak and hope many children feel.”
Linette Atwood, CEO, Patient Resource Cancer Guide

“As a young adult who as a child lost her mother to cancer, I have never read a book that is more insightful and helpful in dealing with the questions children face when a loved one is ill.”
Jessica Dallow, Pakula/King & Associates

The cancer experience includes many many elements. It's not just being afraid of dying and feeling physically sick, although those pieces are also present. There may also be relationship problems, daily living challenges, children to care for, emotional issues, treatment decisions, side-effects of treatment, insurance debacles and on and on. It feels like a big cyclone of chaos at times. The cancer experience is kind of like a really rough, whipping, bumping, and turning roller coaster ride, the kind you're praying will end soon. You just can't wait till the car pulls to a stop, the safety bar lifts and you can get the hell off of it!

Unfortunately you can't get off the ride, but you can find a way to be where you are at this moment in time. Can you find a way to ride the coaster?

Mindfulness meditation practice can help.

Don't take my word for it. In a randomized clinical trial, cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a decrease in depression, anxiety, anger, and confusion AND additionally they reported an increase in Vigor! The patients also reported fewer symptoms of stress and less emotional irritability. If you've ever been on chemotherapy and some of the steroids they give you along with it you know that emotional irritability can be a real challenge. Overall the cancer patients completing the 7 week meditation condition reported a 65% decrease in mood disturbance & 31% reduction in symptoms of stress.

But don't take their word for it. Experience it for yourself...

1. Join this group: "Mindfulness Meditation: A Cancer Support Group". This group meets in Encinitas on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month. Click here for more information.

2. Go to my coping resources page: see books on Mindfulness Meditation and also cancer. A great starting place: "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

3. If you want to read more on the study discussed above:     Speca, M., Carlson, L.E., Goodey, E., and Angen, M. (2000). A randomized, wait-list controlled clinical trial: The effect of a mindfulness meditation-based stress reduction program on mood and symptoms of stress in cancer outpatients. Psychosomatic Medicine, 62, pp.613-622

Have you ever heard that the psyche speaks another language? Psyche's language consists of images, symbols, music, and poetry. For this reason, many psychoanalysts encourage their clients to draw and paint. The active use of this imaginal muscle gets things to shift inside, often shifting things which have been stuck for a very long time. For this same reason people are encouraged to pay attention to dream images. Dream images are theorized to be important and decodable messages from the unconscious--- they are spoken in psyche's imaginative symbolic language...

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or an image which in itself may be familiar to us, but its connotations, use, and application are specific or peculiar and hint at a hidden, vague, or unknown meaning...A term or image is symbolic when it means more than it denotes or expresses" ~Carl Jung  

Symbolic language and images point beyond themselves.

These elements (images, poetic and symbolic language) have the power to shift us from the inside out. Sometimes, actually often times, the shift takes place without conscious comprehension/understanding of what has taken place, just like poetry.

"Love after Love"  by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome.

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~Derek Walcott
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Feast on your life",

Regina

After surviving or while living with a life threatening illness such as cancer, people often feel estranged from life. Individuals may feel detached from work, friends, colleagues, family members and even alienated from themselves. 

This disconnected feeling is normal. Cancer is a traumatic experience: one which stirs questions about some of the most foundational elements of life: things that most of us take for granted: namely one's body, life purpose and continued existence.

How can we re-connect? How can we come back to life? How can we feel connected to things and others again?

The first step begins with reconnecting to yourself. Believe it or not, almost everything we experience in relationship to others is fundamentally nurtured by the relationship we hold with ourself. Cancer causes us to question who we are. The cancer experience calls our identity into question- who we thought we were may not actually be.

A simple way to strengthen the connection and intimacy with yourself is through telling your story. Buy a journal and begin at the beginning. Begin to write down the bones of your story-- and do not leave one little thing out- this is for you. Scribble onto the paper, write with abandon, without censor, tell your journal everything. Allow the paper to feel what you truly experienced. 

When you are done writing down your cancer story, you can continue with this tool and use it to befriend yourself each day, for the rest of your life story. In essence, you are beginning to befriend yourself, get to know yourself and discover who you are.

Connecting back into life and with others will be less of an ordeal when you know more deeply who you are.

Warmly,

Regina

 CHECK OUT THIS BOOK: "Writing down the Bones" by Natalie Goldberg

What really causes cancer? Is it lifestyle and genes? Is it just a random unexplainable thing? Do my thoughts have something to do with it? Does my relational history and/or my trauma history have anything to do with it? Why did I get ill?

These questions plague people living with cancer, and they plague them sometimes, even after they survive. In my doctoral research with cancer survivors, 87% of the participants shared that they had often wondered "why" they got cancer. Many had come up with different theories to try to understand WHY they could have possibly gotten cancer. These theories ranged from toxins in the food they ate, surgeries they had, the water pitcher they drank from, bad genes, God picked me, pesticide and herbicide exposure (which actually has been linked to lymphoma), to a loss of meaning and depression in their life prior to diagnosis

Theorizing and questioning is extremely normal. Although many people, even clinicians, tend to be uncomfortable with the why question, it is completely NORMAL. Other researchers have found that asking and wondering why often served individuals in their coping with cancer (See Shelley Taylor's research out of UCLA on coping/breast cancer). These researchers explained that this questioning seemed to be an adaptive step in the process of finding meaning for their experience.

It is however useful to discuss these uncomfortable questions and existential questions with a therapist, trusted friend or counselor. Often, people facing a life threatening illness like cancer feel very alone and sometimes find it difficult to share what they are really thinking and feeling with others. At other times, people report feeling very understood by their friends and family and may not choose to get additional support. If however, you are feeling alienated, reach out- spill your beans and boost your immune system in the process. Don't do it alone.

Love and Light,

Regina

In my review of endless psychological literature for my dissertation on the experience of cancer, I came across some pretty interesting studies. I am thinking in particular of a phenomenological-hermeneutic study done by Persson and Hallberg (2004), which is just a fancy way of saying they interviewed people at length- via in depth taped interviews about their experiences of cancer- and then analyzed what these people said.

They interviewed 18 Leukemia or Lymphoma survivors and found 3 major differences in their stories/experiences of cancer:

1. One group seemed to evaluate their experience as strengthening.

2. A second group "accepted and adapted" to the experience

3. A third group viewed the experience with bitterness

They also reported that the third group had trouble at all three evaluation periods (they interviewed/evaluated the people at diagnosis, during treatments and at post treatment) integrating and sharing the story. These people seemed to stumble over the story, have trouble in the process of storytelling- their words were more jumbled and unprocessed. The implication is that these people hadn't "experienced" or deeply processed their experience of cancer- as much as those people in the other two groups.

This third group also reported being afraid of losing control over their feelings at times, and afraid at times that they were going mad. In other words, they attempted to distance themselves from the experience as much as possible because they weren't quite sure they could navigate the difficult feeling states.

Interestingly the first group also reported having these fears around their feelings at times- worrying they were going mad- or worrying about losing control. However this group in general was able to cope with these states. So it's not that these people in the first group were superheroes- they were afraid of their feelings too, but somehow they found a way to FEEL.

Xureb and Dunlop (2003) conducted a similar type of study and found that the people going through cancer bring with them "both the present values in their life, as well as a life long pattern of dealing with adversity in their confrontation of a life threatening illness".

Both of these studies seem to be saying that an individual's experience of cancer is colored by their CHOSEN REACTION to this trauma- and that this reaction is actually a life long pattern- a usual way of responding to adverse/traumatic events.

Jimmie Holland, the pioneer of psycho-oncology, echoes this assertion that the experience of cancer is extremely individual. She was struck over and over again by how many people she saw with the same illness, diagnosis, and the same physical symptoms, but had such striking differences in emotional reactions.

 Is it possible to bring more mindfulness to this process so you don't end up in the third group- floundering- running away from the experience- running away from feelings? Is it possible to change the way one experiences things? Can Mindfulness practice help this process?

Comedian Robert Schimmel was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in 2000. He recently described his first day in the chemo room: He noticed a particulary pissed-off looking man seated along the wall getting the chemo drip. The nurses instructed Robert to "stay away" from the guy becasue he was so unhappy and negative. Robert said he purposely sat near him. He started talking with the guy and the guy was not interested in chat.  He basically told Robert to "talk to him in few weeks after he'd had more chemo". Robert became determined to make the guy laugh and continued to sit near him. The story of how he did this is a bit off color (thus Robert's awesome style) - so I'll leave it out here just in case someone is easily offended. When he finally made the guy laugh- Robert said he felt so good. He realized that he really needed the guy to laugh; it gave him a purpose, and made him feel good.

Robert says the only place he feels completely control is when he is on stage and he is making people laugh. When he steps off the stage anything can happen. He realizes we have no control over life. He seems to have learned this lesson over and over again in his life. His parents are holocaust survivors and in 1992 he lost his son to cancer!

Robert Schimmel knows pain and he knows comedy. If you are going through cancer or know someone else who is - get his new book. 

His book is called, "Cancer on $5 a day, Chemo not included".  He's on the press circuit right now promoting his book- so you may catch him on late night TV. He was on Conan a couple weeks ago but you'll have to download it if you want to see his interview. Robert is also in the book "Hope Begins in the Dark" in which 50 lymphoma survivors share their experiences with cancer (including me). He's hysterical and inspirational.

Love & Light,

Regina