San Diego Therapist Blog: Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD

Rebirth:  chronicles a woman's experience with Leukemia....through chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, heartbreak, loss, and also spiritual, emotional and physical rebirth.

"Rebirth" is Ludwig's year-long journal chronicling a story of love, sacrifice, heartache and discovery that culminated in her physical, emotional and spiritual rebirth. 

Cancer is such a dislocating experience. We feel alone, alienated and lost. Any sense of security is just gone. A personal story like Deborah's can really help us through our own experience. It can lessen our sense of anomie and isolation.

A portion of Rebirth's royalties will be donated to Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

If you've recently been diagnosed, get a personal experience book like Ludwig's. You can also go to my coping resources page. I have other personal experience books listed here

Whatever you may be feeling internally is simply passing through at this moment. 

Breathe in and breathe out.

Your feeling state does not make you personally right, wrong, weak, strong, good or bad. Feeling states and thoughts float through us all day long. We are in a constant state of change. Nothing is permanent and nothing lasts forever. Thoughts, feelings, and even our basic biology is constantly in a state of change. Cells are changing every single minute. Some say we get cancer many times a day through flub-ups in cell DNA replication, but this does not always become a diagnosis of "cancer" per say, because we are constantly in a state of repair, replication and change. And the same is true for thought and feelings. They come and they go. Nothing is permanent. They float in and they float out.

It is only when something stops the stream, the flow, that things get out of whack. With thoughts, when we identify with the content of a thought, we get into trouble. For example, pretend the thought: "I can't do this" floats by. If I notice this thought for what it is: just a thought, then I can release it and the thought is free to continue floating by, and another thought will float through and so on and so on. However, if I get "hooked" or identify with the thought content by saying, "yes!, that is me, I can't do this... and...actually... in the past I could not do those other things...", then the spiral begins. The mind has gotten stuck in this content, hooked into the thought and a spiral has begun. This is one way depression or despair begins (which is anger turned inward)....through faulty thought identification.

To stop this spiral from happening you can pull out the hook. You can practice releasing thoughts. They are not really yours anyway. They are simply thoughts and feeling states. They come and they go. Getting hooked means identifying with or conversely fighting a thought or feeling (trying to push it down, deny it, or anesthetize). Either way, through identification or avoidance, you have engaged the thought/feeling state. It will usually stick around until you cut bait or gently release it. Try the fisherman's practice of Catch and Release.

Also note, there is usually a quality of rigidity and self-judgment to this downward spiraling. Add compassion and flexibility, to catch and release and see what happens.

A word on compassion from Pema Chodron:

Resource: Get out of your mind and into your life by Steven Hayes, PhD.  

Today, let's talk briefly about the Serenity Prayer...

God* grant us the serenity

to accept the things we cannot change,

The courage to change the things we can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Most of us are familiar with this prayer and have probably heard it or said it several times. The prayer is short, sweet and empowering.

But what does "Serenity" really mean?

Serenity is a state of mind. Serenity is the state or quality of being calm, or tranquil, having composure, calm, peacefulness, or peace. Serenity is having the presence of mind, or said another way, having the presence to your own mind, to your surroundings, and to your life.

The prayer is essentially saying, God grant me the "presence" of mind to see my circumstances, my mind, and my life clearly today. God grant me this presence, so that I may see the truth, and make choices from this clear and present state.

The prayer also asks for acceptance. Accepting one's current position or set of circumstances can be one of the most difficult things we must learn do. It is VERY HARD sometimes to accept exactly where you are at this moment. We often want to manipulate it, eat something, drink something or somehow change it. We want to jump over ourselves and get to where we are going. But first, we must accept. We must start from where we are. ONLY then can we begin to move with compassion and grace into changing or moving from this current position.

God* grant me presence to whatever my life holds for me in this moment. Allow me to be fully alive to my life, fully here for all of it. I wish you full, gentle, and complete presence in your life today.

 *Note to reader, please substitute whatever word for God which is meaningful for you.

"To express unafraid and unashamed what one really thinks and feels is one of the great consolations in life"

~ Theodore Reik (20th Century German Psychoanalyst)

"...be attentive to what is arising within you, and place that above everything else. . .What is happening in your innermost self is worthy of your entire love..."

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Have you ever felt as though the floor had been ripped out from underneath you?

In a crisis, nothing feels safe. Maybe you've lost your home, a loved one has died, or you're facing the worst depression of your life. The things which once seemed so important now seem irrelevant and false. People seem far away at times, like you're walking parallel to everyone around you, but you're in an alternate space.

IF this is indeed where you are...

Welcome

I say welcome not to be flip, but to offer a warm reassurance, because most everyone experiences some kind of "parallel" walk at one time or another. In life, we all get to be the blue duck at some point.

However, when you're in it...you're in it. It feels really lonely and scary. And often when you're in these places of despair, you honestly feel that no human being could possibly conceive of your pain. But the honest truth is that everyone, sooner or later experiences that uncomfortable place of not knowing how to make things better. 

However painful, despair, burning despair, fear and crisis can sometimes lead us to make remarkable and meaningful life changes. 

But don't let me get ahead of myself, as I said above, while you are "in it" you are "in it". Compassion is the best elixir and self soothing is a much needed balm. Be patient and loving towards yourself. You will heal and you will be ready.

One noteworthy warning to the blue duck experience: one of the most disturbing thoughts one experiences while walking in the grips of despair is that they will never return to "normal". They fear that the experience will never end. It's usually not actually the horrible situation or pain, but the fear of never getting over it, never feeling "normal" or "good" again that drives people over the edge. This thought is enticing to the mind, but it is a fallacy. Try not to get trapped by this line of thinking. 

As I said above, most importantly, be gentle with yourself, give yourself patience and compassion. You will open...

Jamie Reno, Newsweek journalist and cancer survivor will be the special guest tonight at 9:00 p.m. EST (6:00p.m. for you left coasters) on The Stupid Cancer Show, an informative, funny, cutting-edge, hugely popular show hosted by Jamie's friends and fellow survivors Matthew Zachary and Kairol Rosenthal. They'll be discussing Jamie's forthcoming novel, “A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound,” the story of a 10-year-old boy coping with the cancer diagnosis of his mom, and about radio-immunotherapy, a remarkable lymphoma cancer treatment that saves lives but still risks extinction unless people demand their legislators to save it!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stupidcancershow/2009/07/14/Cancer-vs-Environment-Cage-Match

The Stupid Cancer Show
The Stupid Cancer Show is the voice of young adults affected by cancer. Unlike every other age group, this is about a generation of millions (aged 15-39) for whom there has been zero improvement in survival rates since Nixon. This is not OK! Hosted by young adult survivors Kairol Rosenthal (Author of "Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide To Cancer In Your 20's and 30's") and Matthew Zachary (Founder/CEO of the I'm Too Young For This! Cancer Foundation) we are challenging the status quo and demanding change from the establishment. It's time. It's our time. It's about time.

Praise for ‘A Snowman on the Pitcher’s Mound’

“A beautiful novel. Reno shows how powerful a simple game like baseball can be in helping a young boy cope. The true moral of this book though is beyond baseball and beyond cancer – it lies in the healing strength of familial love and the celebration of life.”
Larry Lucchino, President and CEO, Boston Red Sox, and two-time cancer survivor

“Finally, a book written for both parents and children about loss from a young boy’s perspective. Carefully and brilliantly written, it provides a guide for teachable moments that parents can use to help them relate to their children when faced with serious illness or loss. This fills an obvious void in the literary world.”
Leslie Hovsepian, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist

“Had me reaching for the tissues, but smiling, too, at the many moments of love so well depicted in this story of a boy coming to terms with loss. The author possesses a finely honed skill in giving readers the true voice of a 10-year-old boy learning to cope with death—and life.”
Phyllis DeBlanche, Associate Editor, San Diego Magazine

“I only wish my children could have read this when I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago. Sensitive, thoughtful, humorous, poignant and most importantly, provides a much needed canvas on which families can explore the myriad emotions surrounding diagnosis and treatment of any serious illnesses. This book will be very helpful to kids and parents everywhere.”
Michael E. Werner, Director, Lymphoma Research Foundation, CEO, Globe Union Group

“It’s never easy to talk about cancer with children, but this book gracefully facilitates this difficult dialogue in such an inviting way. I love this book. It can strengthen a family's understanding and compassion through the emotional perils of cancer.”
Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD, PsychoSocialOncologist

“Captures your heart from the first words. Entertaining, funny and touching, it takes the reader inside a cancer patient’s family and shares both the heartbreak and hope many children feel.”
Linette Atwood, CEO, Patient Resource Cancer Guide

“As a young adult who as a child lost her mother to cancer, I have never read a book that is more insightful and helpful in dealing with the questions children face when a loved one is ill.”
Jessica Dallow, Pakula/King & Associates

Ever get to that point when your mind just won't stop? During the holiday season the mind often has plenty of material to work with. Your mind worries: "The holidays are almost here and you still haven't gotten gifts for half the people on your list??! It's not like you didn't know the holidays were coming! It's the same time every year!!" Or maybe your mind is worrying because you don't have "enough" money for gifts. Or maybe it's worrying about how you will survive your family or lack of family and loved ones this year.

Whatever the thought or worry, whatever your situation may be this holiday season, not enough or too much, if you find yourself in full on "mind spin"----worrying, becoming depressed or anxious about your situation...try a few of these de-mind spin tips:

1. First of all accept that you are not alone. You can be absolutely sure that most people are worrying about something - maybe not the same thing that you are worrying about- but something this holiday season, just like you.

2. Second, take a minute and breathe. Ask yourself right now if you are alright, just right now in this very moment. Not tomorrow, or in the future or yesterday, but right now, are you ok? alive? breathing? This is an important question to ask because, often the pain of the holiday season comes to us because of our worries...and worries are most always about the future or the past. Worries about what the holidays have been like in the past, and are not now. Or what the holidays will be like this year- worries and anxieties usually exist in the present -----but are almost always about the future and or the past.

Another way to take yourself out of the worries or "mind spin" is by changing your focus. #3 and #4 are hands on mind tools:

3. Mindfully take three deep breaths. Take three slow deep breaths and pay attention only to your breath for just 3 full breaths---following the sensation of the breath the entire time.

4. Another option: Go outside or look out a window and focus fully on every detail of the object you are looking at. If it's a tree, what color is it? What about the leaves? Describe the tree bark. How tall is the tree, can you see the roots, how is it sitting in the ground etc.? Focus your mind fully on describing the object. Spend a few minutes on this.

Presence is the key to meditation experience and furthermore- life experience. What actually causes unbearable stress, pain, suffering, and sometimes mental illness is our avoidance of whatever is arising internally: the repeated avoidance of your own internal experience will create problems.

Staying with the present moment, especially negative emotions, is counterintuitive. We have to reprogram ourselves to STAY. This is why formal meditation practice helps. When you learn to stay with what you're running from internally- it's incredibly freeing. It builds confidence and you simply feel more in control of your life. You stop trying to escape yourself and then a whole new world begins to open in front of you...and it's truly beautiful.

In formal meditation practice we refuse to leave our present experience. We don't run away, we don't numb out, we don't leave. We simply STAY with the present moment, with this breath, with this sensation. That is the practice. We pay attention on purpose, compassionately, to what we are experiencing right now.

Here are a few options to get started:

1. Take an introductory meditation course like this one: "The Mindful Lunch"

2. Email or call for private sessions

3. MBSR: Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course at UCSD Center for Mindfulness

4. See resources page for mindful meditation books

Learn to stay: Practice 

Have you ever heard that the psyche speaks another language? Psyche's language consists of images, symbols, music, and poetry. For this reason, many psychoanalysts encourage their clients to draw and paint. The active use of this imaginal muscle gets things to shift inside, often shifting things which have been stuck for a very long time. For this same reason people are encouraged to pay attention to dream images. Dream images are theorized to be important and decodable messages from the unconscious--- they are spoken in psyche's imaginative symbolic language...

"What we call a symbol is a term, a name, or an image which in itself may be familiar to us, but its connotations, use, and application are specific or peculiar and hint at a hidden, vague, or unknown meaning...A term or image is symbolic when it means more than it denotes or expresses" ~Carl Jung  

Symbolic language and images point beyond themselves.

These elements (images, poetic and symbolic language) have the power to shift us from the inside out. Sometimes, actually often times, the shift takes place without conscious comprehension/understanding of what has taken place, just like poetry.

"Love after Love"  by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome.

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~Derek Walcott
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Feast on your life",

Regina