San Diego Therapist Blog: Regina Huelsenbeck, PhD

In my work at the university, I see many trauma survivors; releasing guilt is a major focus in treatment. It's often imperative to release guilt to loosen the hold of PTSD symptoms (see below for general definition and description of PTSD symptoms).

Truly, many of us carry guilt about different things that have happened in our lives. We often believe that if we had just acted differently that things may have turned out better. "IF I had only taken his keys that night". "IF I had just been a nicer person or a better student, mom and dad would have stayed together". "I never should have gone out with her, I had a bad feeling and I should have trusted myself". 

3 basic ways we experience guilt:

1. We feel guilty that we did something that we should not have done, OR we feel guilty that we didn't do something that we should have done. (behaviors)

2. We feel guilty that we thought something that we shouldn't have thought or we feel guilty that we didn't think something that we "should" have thought of. (thoughts)

3. We feel guilty that we felt something we should not have felt or we feel guilty that we did not feel something that we should have felt.(feelings)

Guilt is defined as an uncomfortable or unpleasant feeling that is usually accompanied by beliefs that we should have thought, felt or acted differently.

Kubany, a Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) clinician and researcher has said that if he only had one hour to work with a trauma survivor (specifically he works with domestic violence trauma survivors) he would spend it on releasing her guilt. He went further and said that if he only had 10 minutes to spend with a victim of DV he would spend it on Hindsight Bias.

Hindsight Bias is basically blaming yourself now for decisions that you made before you knew what you know now. You cannot make a decision back then from the knowledge you hold today (knowing the outcome of the event). But we argue, "no, I had a feeling that something bad might happen". However, this is NOT the same thing as knowing the specific outcome of the traumatic event. You only attained that specific knowledge after the event, and not before. This is an important thing to keep in mind when we are blaming ourselves. We simply can't possibly know then what we know now. 

Bottom line: Guilt is a killer. It is imperative to become aware of what guilt we might be holding onto. PTSD or no PTSD, guilt can clog up your ability move freely in relationship(s); to live fresh, clean and free. AND guilt helps no one. It will only keep you mired in destructive self-harming patterns. You deserve compassion.

"A loving heart is the truest wisdom" ~ Charles Dickens 

 

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3 basic symptom categories of PTSD:

Avoidance symptoms (Numbing, isolation, avoid anything which reminds you of the trauma etc.)

Intrusive symptoms (flashbacks, images, intrusive thoughts, or nightmares etc)

Hyperarousal symptoms (always feel keyed up or one edge, looking over shoulder constantly, great difficulty falling asleep or waking in middle of the night, easily startled, or anger etc)

 

 

 

Have you ever felt as though the floor had been ripped out from underneath you?

In a crisis, nothing feels safe. Maybe you've lost your home, a loved one has died, or you're facing the worst depression of your life. The things which once seemed so important now seem irrelevant and false. People seem far away at times, like you're walking parallel to everyone around you, but you're in an alternate space.

IF this is indeed where you are...

Welcome

I say welcome not to be flip, but to offer a warm reassurance, because most everyone experiences some kind of "parallel" walk at one time or another. In life, we all get to be the blue duck at some point.

However, when you're in it...you're in it. It feels really lonely and scary. And often when you're in these places of despair, you honestly feel that no human being could possibly conceive of your pain. But the honest truth is that everyone, sooner or later experiences that uncomfortable place of not knowing how to make things better. 

However painful, despair, burning despair, fear and crisis can sometimes lead us to make remarkable and meaningful life changes. 

This despair, this depression....this crisis can be an entry point for you; it can be the reason you take a different turn in the road. Symptom and pain have a unique way of moving us into places we may never have gone. Suffering often provides a choice point. Crisis is from the from Greek word krisis, which literally means decision.

But don't let me get ahead of myself, as I said above, while you are "in it" you are "in it". Compassion is the best elixir and self soothing is a much needed balm. Be patient and loving towards yourself. You will heal and you will be ready.

One noteworthy warning to the blue duck experience: one of the most disturbing thoughts one experiences while walking in the grips of despair is that they will never return to "normal". They fear that the experience will never end. It's usually not actually the horrible situation or pain, but the fear of never getting over it, never feeling "normal" or "good" again that drives people over the edge. This thought is enticing to the mind, but it is a fallacy. Try not to get trapped by this line of thinking. 

As I said above, most importantly, be gentle with yourself, give yourself patience and compassion. You will open...